Parents (+ Grandparents + Anyone Who Interacts with Kids)

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  The Internet is neither good or bad. It is all in how it is being used. Technology is a beautiful thing. It connects. It creates. It opens doors never before possible. And that is good. Today our kids have access to more knowledge than any other generation in history. But, access is a two-way street. The internet is unchartered territory with few rules and it opens the door to worlds that no culture, no generation, no one on the face of the earth has faced before.   

Pew Research shows that the average age to have a phone is 12-13 years, and once they have it most will access the Internet averaging as much as 5-7 hours per day on their phone. When you get a phone for your child is a personal decision and can vary from child to child based on maturity and the need. Ask yourself why does your child need the phone (it should be more than because "all" of their friends have one), are they responsible and do they understand how it works?
When you decide it is the right time, you wouldn't send your child on a busy highway to play and not warn them of dangers. The same with a phone and the Internet. There should be a discussion about the usage expectations (and consequences) including Internet access, apps, games and social media. It isn't a bad idea for random "spot checks" to make sure they are following the rules and so you can nip in the bud any inappropriate requests.
Continue talking with your child as they get older and are given more access on their phones. Talk to them without over reaction or accusation. The Thorn organization in a 2019 report found that 1/3 of sextortion victims never told anyone because of shame, embarrassment or fear. So keep asking questions, even when you get an eye roll, and trust your gut if something doesn't feel right.  

 Predators are in our communities. And yet, IT IS NOT EVERYWHERE. In fact, it is hard to recognize, hard to respond to, and hard for the average citizen to know what to do about it. Predators are manipulators. They can be individuals working alone, part of a larger child porn ring, or involved with a cartel or gang.  They are often male, but can be female, and can be any age.
Predators are looking for those who post provocative photos, talk about sex or sexual encounters. They are also looking for the vulnerable who have poor or no relationships with parents, post about no one understanding them or someone looking for attention or to become famous. Examples include predators looking for those using the hashtags #scoutme, #teenmodel, #teengirl and similar types. (Make sure your kids know that real model, singing, dancing or acting scouts are not looking for future stars through hashtags.) Predators may also research a kid through their social media ("bunny hunting") or it may be random and a numbers game called phishing. 

Once contact is made, the grooming process begins. They friend the victim and build trust sometimes very quickly and sometimes with time over different platforms. They will often echo the feelings of the victim (I'm sad too), target what they know is the child's dreams (you are so beautiful I can help you become a model) or hurts (my parents weren't/aren't fair either). Once trust is established through the grooming then begins the seduction which is the promise of love, affection or whatever the child's dreams may be. Once the child feels they are in a "relationship",  it is much easier for the predator to manipulate. The predator may ask for a photo or to meet up. A single decision by that child in that moment can change their life forever.

Predators will use trust to establish a relationship, then shame and fear to keep a child from speaking.

 Everyone is different and there are no absolute answers as victims can be from any race, socio-economic background, nationality, gender, sexual orientation or family situation. However, there are a few risk factors that have been identified as making a young person more vulnerable.
The number one risk factor is the belief “I am damaged goods” or a low self-esteem. This thinking is what puts foster children, homeless and those who have been previously sexually assaulted or molested at higher risk of exploitation.  It needs to be taught that there is a difference between “failing” and “being flawed".
Another factor is the desire to “fit in”, to be accepted, to be popular, and to be loved. Instant messaging apps, mass-audience live streaming and online video game chat rooms all open the door to relationships with people we have never met and, in most cases, will never meet. It can create a fantasy relationship that provides a respite from the daily grind. 

With the newer technologies, many kids will have over 100,000 followers and their short video clips may receive over a million likes. (And if they don't get enough "likes" kids will remove their posts - which is something predators look for as it can signify insecurities.) The competition on different sites is enormous. To go viral, a 15 second video producer must become more and more extreme in their content. 

There is also pressure from others to fit in. As one young girl told Opal recently "if you don’t send a naked photo to a guy before the date, the guy won’t go out with you". 

Other vulnerabilities include if the child is lonely, depressed, feeling isolated or even bored.
Sometimes being vulnerable has to do with the desperate need for others to “take care of me" as they look for a surrogate parent figure. Finally, there are also those who take risks to get attention, and those looking for short cuts as they want quick fame with what seems to be easy money.   

   One of the challenges is that technology is advancing at a historic level and many parents have a veil of denial or at least a limited understanding of the new apps, video games and technologies.  

Do you yourself know the dangers and how predators groom, seduce and exploit? Have you talked to your child at an age appropriate level? Do you know what games, apps and social media they are using and which ones are high-risk? Do you know what they would do if someone they don't know contacted them online? Or someone they do know but who asked them for information or photos? 

 Start with simple teaching.  Although it can be awkward, it begins with teaching children about the importance of protecting and valuing their bodies. As they get older, and are doing more exploring on the Internet, you can begin to explain that bodies (including photos) are not to be shared with anyone and what happens when they send a naked photo.

Tell them you believe in them and you love them.

Make sure they know you are a safe place - no judgment  if they are in trouble. 

If nothing else, experts suggest:

- No social media before age 16.

- No phones/tech devices allowed in bedrooms at night.

- All notifications turned offer (so your kids aren't constantly distracted)

- Give them a time budget (limit the amount of time they spend)

- Devices are viewed in a public area of the house where anyone can see what they are doing

From our experience we also recommend:

Know what apps, games or social media they are using. Be a parent who monitors their children's Internet usage by becoming a follower or friend. If your teen feels it is an invasion of privacy - consider the alternative if you don't know what is going on. (You can always promise to not comment or post anything on their sites.) This isn't about you not having trust in your child but is an issue of trust in random strangers wanting to interact with your child.

 Talk to them about their social media, apps and chat rooms and what to do if someone makes inappropriate requests or conversation. Sometimes it is easier to talk about this by asking if any of their friends have been approached.

Talk to them about what dangers are possible and what makes them look vulnerable. to others. 

Set phone/Internet rules - include in those rules that as a parent you can do spot checks, they can only talk to people they know in real life, and to never share photos, phone numbers, last names or addresses with those they meet online. 

Talk to them about how to protect themselves (don't believe someone who says they can make you famous, don't accept invitation to parties or to meet-up from those outside your trusted circle, don't vent online and be aware of those who want to alienate you from your parents or friends).  Help them set-up privacy settings.

Teach them the difference between a real relationship and a fantasy relationship.

Ask questions and watch their response. Trust your gut if you have concerns - better to make a mistake than to miss something. 

 Some of the signs to watch for and question:

- Running away for periods of time, coming home late or staying out all night, sleep deprived

- Missing school

- Change in friend group or alienating themselves from everyone

- Having unexplained gifts, possessions/clothes or money (some predators will "love bomb" to buy trust and affection)

- Unexpected change in appearance such as the way they dress or hair style

- Health issues including STDs

- Abnormal mood swings and changes in temperament including depression, fear, apathy, suicidal or self-harming, signs of PTSD 

- Using drugs or alcohol

- Talking about sex more, over sexualized behavior in their comments, social media postings or attire/clothing

- They are a minor in a relationship with an older person

- Unexplained tattoos 

- Severe hunger, dehydration or malnutrition

- Evidence of physical harm (bruising, cigarette burns, scratches, cut, strangulation or bite marks, wrist and ankle restraint marks)

- Signs of electrocution

- Reluctant to speak or signs of being controlled, possibly fearful or aggressive (if they haven't met the pimps demands for money)

- Two cell phones - a predator may want direct access to the victim without going through their personal phone

- Multiple dating apps on their cell phone  

 This is serious but don't overreact. Your child must not feel rejected by you or that you are judging them. Predators are adults who purposely manipulate children and teens - so remember the child/teen is always the victim (especially since scientists have determined the brain isn't even fully developed until the mid-twenties). 

Gather evidence by getting screen shots, saving photos and any communication. Talk to your child and get as much information as you can including if they are/were being blackmailed.

Contact all of the apps, social media or game services involved and report the predator. 

Block the predator. Make sure you check multiple apps, social media and games as they will often cross between them.

Contact the appropriate authorities including the CyberTipline and local authorities. You may not want to make a big deal about the incident, but the predator may be part of a larger ring being investigated or there may be other victims. The CyberTipline can also assist with getting photos/videos removed from the Internet.

Tell your child you are proud of them for speaking up and know that they will learn from this and be able to keep other kids from making the same mistake. Depending on the situation, you may also want to consider some counseling for your child to deal with the trauma. 

Feel free to reach out to us using the contact form if you aren't sure what to do. We have assisted many parents and young people with next steps.